Thursday, July 16, 2009


Main Entry: umquhile
: former, formerly, late


Umquhile is my favorite word in the entire world.
It's just about the weirdest spelled word I've ever seen, and I enjoy leering as people try their best to pronounce it.
"But wait, it's not that great."
Completely false! The beauty of umquhile is that it's archaic. For any (wo)man worth h(is)er salt, it's clear that archaic is defined as "take creative license when in the mood." Basically, umquhile can morph into anything you want. Its color is bright and unique but touched with such a shade of obscurity that pretty much no one knows its meaning and you can toss it around as you like.
"Mark, sniping me in that game of Halo 3 was completely umquhile."
"Don't lie to me. Don't be such an umqhuile."
"Um...quhile you were gone? No... nothing happened..."
Versatility, beauty, obscurity. Everything you thought you wanted in a woman was in this word all along.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


From Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition:

Main Entry: frenemy
Inflected Form(s):
plural fren·e·mies
blend of friend and enemy
: one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy

So... my best friend just stabbed me in the face today. He was always there to catch my tears as I found incorrect applications of words, he never tired of explaining the simplest concepts to me time and time again. Even when he had to spell it out for me, he was always clear and constant.
However, following the release of this so-called "updated" eleventh edition of Merriam-Webster, my world will never be the same again. And you thought "ginormous" was the limit. Really? Does frenemy sound professional in any way? In colloquial context:
"Liiiiiike, she was mos def asking for that biatch slap after she stole your bf. Whatta frenemy."
Et tu, Merriam-Webster? I certainly expected this out of effervescent seventh grade girls, but it doesn't belong in cold, irreconcilable Merriam. Or so I thought. Who are you trying to impress, editors? Your 13-year-old kid? Guess what? Reading the dictionary is still so totally uncool.